The Worst Things to Say to a Grieving Pet Owner

Many people fail to understand the unique relationship that we form with our pets. Unlike family members and relatives, pet owners choose their non-human companions and often form attachments that prove just as painful when broken by the forever-loss of death. Below are five common expressions you should never say to someone grieving the death of a beloved pet, as well as better alternatives you should use to offer genuine comfort to a grieving pet owner.

1. “Well, you can always get another [dog, cat, bird, etc.]”

Many people grappling with the death of a beloved pet hear this misguided comment from non-pet-owners and the monumentally insensitive alike, who fail to understand the unique bond that “pet parents” form with their furry, feathered or finned companions during their lifetimes. Suggesting to a grieving pet owner that he or she can run out and buy a new pet sounds just as hurtful to the griever as telling a woman she’s “still young and can have another baby” following a miscarriage or stillbirth.

A better approach: If possible, offer an open-ended comment on a particular quality about the pet that you remember, such as: “Did ‘Rover’ always perform that crazy, joyful dance whenever you picked up his leash for a walk?” or “Do you remember how ‘Fifi’ liked to climb your Christmas tree?” If you can’t think of something specific to the owner’s pet, then share a favorite quality or memory about your pet that might trigger a happy memory in the pet owner’s mind.

2. “She lived a long time in [dog years, cat years, fish years, etc.]”

Yes, we’ve all heard that that the lifespan of dogs or cats roughly equates to seven human years for each calendar year; that one “fish year” equals five human years; that one “horse year” equates to 2.2 human years; etc. But attempting to comfort a bereaved pet owner by reminding him or her that a deceased pet lived a long life in human years or any other years will prove misguided because, at this time, it’s simply not long enough. Right now, the grieving pet owner exists painfully in the past, present and future and, at times, might find temporary comfort in thoughts of their many past moments together until remembering that creating new happy memories is now forever impossible.

A better approach: Focus less on the pet and more on the grieving individual. Instead of pointing out the age of the pet and implying that the pet owner should somehow feel satisfied, remind the griever of a happy memory involving his or her non-human companion, such as “I remember the day you brought ‘Spot’ home from the kennel…” or “I’ll never forget how ‘Cuddles’ liked to crawl into my lap…” Yes, such memories might trigger additional sadness and tears, but these offerings can also provide comfort through shared experiences and validate that others understand the significance of the pet’s death, regardless of age or the fact that he/she wasn’t human.

3. “Your pet’s in a better place now.”

Anyone who utters this phrase has never struggled to cope with the forever-loss of a loved one (human or otherwise) due to death. The truth is that those grappling with the loss of a furry, feathered or finned companion think that the best place for their deceased pet is among the living. Telling a grieving pet owner otherwise — even if you believe that the better place is “pet heaven” or because the pet suffered at the end of life due to an illness or disease — suggests that the pet’s owner should somehow feel happy about the loss and that crying and showing anguish is out of place.

A better approach: Anyone caught in the throes of pet loss struggles to accept why their beloved non-human companion isn’t in a single location right now — among the living — and still part of his or her life. Therefore, there simply is no reason for you to suggest his or her pet is in any other place at this time. Instead, offer a comment focused on how much the pet owner obviously cared for his or her beloved non-human companion and that, while here on earth, no pet received more love and attention.

4. “When my pet died…”

Unfortunately, people often attempt to console the bereaved by sharing a personal experience with death, grief and loss after a pet dies (or a family member or friend). Sharing your stories concerning “similar” losses, however, can set up difficult comparisons in the mind of the grieving pet owner. For example, saying something like, “When my dog died, I cried nonstop for an entire month” implies that the pet owner must do likewise or else he or she somehow loved his or her pet less than you did.

A better approach: Respect the fact that each of us forms unique relationships with those whom we love, and the grief felt after a death is extremely personal, even if it appears “similar.” Everyone has a father and mother, for instance, but the nature and strength of those emotional bonds varies dramatically, i.e., no two individuals will grieve exactly the same way after the death of a parent. Instead of sharing the specifics concerning your pet-loss experience, convey the fact that you, too, found the death of your pet challenging, that you understand it will take time to recover and that you will make yourself available at any time to talk or to provide companionship in the days, weeks and months ahead.

5. “Don’t cry.”

Regardless of the deceased’s species (human, dog, cat, etc.), commenting upon how a surviving loved one expresses his or her grief is never appropriate. Shedding tears, feeling sad and showing sorrow are not only natural and normal following a death, but also necessary to the healthy processing and eventual resolution of grief. Unfortunately, many people still tell mourners not to weep in order to lessen their own discomfort around the public display of unhappy emotions.

A better approach: Try not to judge the pet owner’s grief response or, at the very least, keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself. Instead, understand that the grief triggered by the death of his or her pet is just as powerful and pervasive as that experienced after the loss of a family member or friend, and that your friend’s dog, cat, horse, ferret, etc., is also irreplaceable. Just as you cannot “fix” someone’s sadness by mumbling a few uplifting words or a magic phrase, grief doesn’t simply disappear by suppressing our outward reactions to a death. Therefore, allow the pet owner to feel whatever he or she feels while you provide the powerful gift of your physical presence and non-judgmental support and comfort.