Seven Things You Should Never Say at Funerals

It’s difficult to find the right words or know what to say at times, particularly when attempting to comfort the bereaved. Unfortunately, even when well intentioned, many comments made at funerals, wakes/visitations and in condolence letters are misguided and thoughtless. Here are seven insensitive comments you should never utter to someone grieving the death of a loved one.

Unfortunately, comments like these are all too real…

“He/She Deserved to Die”

Yes, it defies common sense that anyone would suggest this to someone mourning the death of a loved one, but judgmental expressions that the deceased somehow deserved to die — even through implication — are far more common than you probably realize.

Those making this thoughtless sort of remark typically disapproved of some aspect of the deceased’s lifestyle and still feel the need to express or imply that opinion after the fact — often to make themselves feel superior because of their own insecurities, shortcomings or control issues.

Examples:

• I told him he needed to go on a diet… exercise more… stop drinking… get help for his addiction.

• She smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. I wasn’t surprised… Everyone knows it’s unhealthy… What did she expect?

• He always hung around with the wrong crowd… lived under a dark cloud.

“It Could be Worse”

Often, even those sincerely hoping to console the bereaved resort to grief comparisons. Unfortunately, comparing “what is” to “what might be” is primarily a cognitive or thinking function, while someone mourning the forever-loss of a beloved spouse, partner, child, pet, friend, etc., definitely lives in the immediacy of his or her emotional reality. It’s a head versus heart thing.

Thus, anyone grappling with the despair caused by the death of a loved one cannot see or feel much beyond his or her present, all-consuming emotional pain.

Examples:

• Thank God you still have your daughter… still have your other dog.

• You’re 35. My father died when I was only four years old… I never knew my sister.

• Fortunately, she held on long enough for your family to be there with her at the end.

“It was Destiny”

Because of the permanence of death, even religiously devout believers might question their faith after a close loved one dies. Thus, expressing comments that the decedent’s death was somehow “preordained” merely suggests that the bereaved should somehow feel happy about the loss, and that crying and showing anguish about the situation is somehow out of place.

Because you cannot ever truly know how someone else feels, it’s best to avoid comments of this sort, even if the griever is a person of deep faith.

Examples:

• It was God’s will… part of His plan.

• We cannot always know why things happen.

• Don’t cry, she’s in heaven now.

“Everything Happens for a Reason”

This is the quasi-secular version of the previous remark. Without attributing the death to the “plan” of a specific deity or higher power, the speaker still implies that life on earth is somehow governed by physical or spiritual rules/laws that the mourner must accept and perhaps find comforting — even if that rationale defies his or her understanding.

Remember that grief is an emotional response and typically defies the rational, even if the mourner is an atheist, agnostic, “logical,” etc.

Examples:

• Death is part of the cycle/circle of life.

• It was his/her time.

• Only the good die young.

“At Least…”

Any comment that includes the words “At least…” attempts to offer comfort through comparison at a time when those plumbing the depths of grief cannot effectively “switch off” their all-consuming emotional response to the death of a loved one.

Unlike the “It Could be Worse” remark described above, however, this sort of comment betrays the speaker’s judgment surrounding the death and, unfortunately, how he or she thinks the bereaved individual should view the situation. The latter can complicate an individual’s grief response.

Examples:

• At least you had a father… a child… a healthy baby.

• At least you had 14 good years with your wife… your pet… your partner.

• At least he’s no longer suffering… she’s no longer in pain.

“You’re Still Young”

Another example of misguided comfort through comparison, comments of this sort attempt to console the grieving by reminding an individual that his or her age affords time to somehow “erase” the pain he or she presently feels.

In reality, mourners never get over the loss of someone dearly loved. Instead, he or she eventually learns to live with the void created by the forever-loss of death. Suggesting to a woman, for example, that there’s “still time for her to have another baby” as she grapples with the soul-wounding pain of a miscarriage or stillbirth is utterly ridiculous and totally insensitive.

Examples:

• Fortunately, you’re still young and can have another child.

• I think you should get another dog/cat right away to take your mind off of [pet’s name].

• You’ll find someone else… to date… to marry… to spend your life with.

“It’s Better…”

If you ever catch yourself expressing anything to someone mourning a death that includes the words “It’s better…” or implies that sentiment, then you should immediately bite your tongue and walk away without finishing your thought.

To the bereaved, nothing is better than having their loved one among the living — even if only for one more day, in many cases.

Examples:

• I’d rather suffer a miscarriage than lose my four-year-old.

• It’s better this way because he/she was suffering… in so much pain… wouldn’t want to live that way.

• I’d rather go quickly than linger for weeks… I hope I die in my sleep like he did.