Coping With Holiday Grief

For those mourning the loss of a loved one, holiday baubles, bells and bright lights can feel anything but joyful. Here are five tips to help you cope with the holiday season if you’re grieving a death.

Unlock the Door to New Traditions

English novelist Somerset Maugham wrote, “Tradition is a guide and not a jailer.” Despite this, the holiday traditions we form over many years with a spouse, child, parent or other significant loved one can feel just as inescapable as the bars of a prison. Sending out holiday cards, making that special dessert, shopping on Black Friday, participating in the neighborhood lights/decorations contest, etc., might be interwoven with your happiest holiday memories, but will your particular tradition really bring you joy this year?

If not, consider changing it so you feel more comfortable. Remember, you can always resume your original tradition down the road if you’d like, but you might discover that a new tradition is just as satisfying.

It’s O.K. to Say N.O.

Every year, your family looks forward to coming to your house on Christmas Eve for carols and cocoa, but this year, the thought of decorating the house and trimming the tree by yourself feels overwhelming. Or perhaps you’ve organized the holiday music pageant at your place of worship or community center for the past several seasons, but, now, your heart just isn’t in it.

While the thought of altering your holiday routine might feel difficult, you need to determine how much responsibility you feel comfortable accepting and then clearly communicate that to your family and friends. Ask yourself if you just want help with a particular task or if you’d prefer someone else take it on entirely this year. Remind yourself that it’s okay to say “no” as you adjust to life after loss.

Nothing’s Perfect. And Neither are You

Most of us carry a mental picture of what the holidays “should” be like. Books, magazines, movies, television commercials and even our childhood memories can fuel this idealization by creating an image of what a “perfect” Hanukah, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Kwanzaa, [insert holiday here] looks like. This can create a lot of pressure, which is another source of stress you don’t need right now.

Give yourself a pass this holiday by accepting things as they are. Who cares if a Christmas light is burned out if the warmth of hearth and home shines brightly? Maybe you didn’t spend as much time wrapping gifts for the kids as you usually do, but when was the last time a child refused a gift because of the wrap job? Turkey a little dry this year? Add a little more gravy. Whatever comes up, repeat to yourself: “Just let it go.”

Honor Your Departed Loved One

Those mourning a death often wonder how they can avoid thinking about him/her during the holidays. The truth is, you can’t – so don’t even try. Instead of living in fear that you’ll start remembering your loved one and feeling sad, empower yourself by incorporating his or her memory into your plans.

When you’re with your family, for instance, light a candle in honor of your loved one to quietly signify his or her presence in your hearts. Or make some popcorn and sit together as a family to watch his or her favorite holiday movie. If you’re the creative type, make special holiday ornaments with your children or grandchildren and hang them in a place of honor in your home. If you feel up to it, ask your family to share their favorite memories of your loved one, or visit the cemetery, memorial site or a place significant in the life of your loved one.

Discover the True Joy of Giving

We often hear that giving is better than receiving, but do you really believe that? Well, consider testing that old chestnut by helping someone else cope with the holiday blues in some way. Donate toys for children or warm clothing to those in need. Help feed the hungry or support seniors. Adopt a needy family or make a charitable contribution in memory of your loved one.

There are many opportunities to discover the joy of giving if you look. For a list of opportunities to help someone else experience a brighter holiday in your area, please visit the Volunteer Match website.